kitchen katastrophe: an introduction

one of my favorite tv stations in the US is the food network, but no matter how many hours i spend watching, learning, and dreaming about food, it seems that i was not born to have skills in the kitchen. how this will translate into my love life ("the way to a man's heart is through his stomach") i don't know - don't want to think about it. i have survived thus far because my wonderful friends appreciate any attempt i make (and don't mind ordering pizza when they came for chicken parm). to prepare for the inevitable kitchen katastrophe, i keep a fully stocked liquor cabinet and am a huge purveyor of wine and champagne (two things you can hardly screw up).

i've managed to stay fed because restaurants sure love my business and, honestly, i like being served. i love looking at new menus at restaurants and placing my order (most often with some change because i'm unfortunately a picky eater). i love having warm, flavorful food delivered to me. i love take out - getting food and cozying up at home with some wine or a beer. and more than all this, i love not having to clean up afterwards. one of my issues with cooking is that i will never understand how one can get enjoyment from something that takes longer to make and clean up than to use (cooking and cleaning certainly take longer for me than eating). i realize this is a concept that others have grasped, but i am just not intellectually there yet. i hope one day to enjoy cooking and baking. i think i am half there because i LOVE owning kitchen appliances. i have never tried coffee, but one day i will own an espresso machine even if i never use it. it will go nicely with my mixer, blender, foreman grill, waffle maker, crockpot, and others. (all of which, aside from the blender because i love me margaritas, have only been used once or twice. some are still in their original boxes.)

admittedly all of the money i have spent on kitchen utensils and supplies has not been put to good use - and for the next month, while i am in europe, is certainly a waste of money sitting in boxes in my parent's basement. i hope to use this weekly column to 1) learn to enjoy or at least appreciate cooking 2) get some use out of all of my food network knowledge and the money i have used keeping crate and barrel in business and 3) provide you with some humor along the way. so, sit back and enjoy my katastrophic kitchen errors each monday.